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04 December 2009 @ 12:57 am
I'm not going to be the asshole who complains about having too many people interested in them. I need a live person to be my journal to tell my story to.
12 November 2009 @ 12:51 pm
I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open, fixes all of life's mistakes.
I wanna be the house that you were raised in, the only place where you feel safe.
I wanna be your shower in the morning that wakes you up and makes you clean.
I know I'm just the weather against your window as you sleep through a winter's dream.

oh dear, we're going back to bright eyes haha..
08 November 2009 @ 01:20 pm
"you killed me.. you murdered me in my soul in my happiness" -widdle baby idiot anhal madchen

I had a dream you kissed my forehead and told me everything was good and held my hand so that every finger of yours touched every finger of mine.
05 November 2009 @ 02:09 am
my brain is just in a non-stop mode. i started going through these entries, the ones from 2006. It feels so odd that I have something that's been around that long. This journal is probably the only thing I've had for that long that hasn't been lost, stolen, damaged, forgotten in some way. But on the other hand, it's not really a thing at all; more a concept.

The only reason I'm looking forward to the broad future is so I can learn about myself. I really want to learn my tendencies. Is it really awful that I still have to learn about myself? And not just the little details - I have to learn the rock solid basics.

The weather's cold, and it's uncomfortable. I'm tired of crying before bed. They're silent and heavy so I don't bother Ashley. i'm single again and it's scary. I'm back to high school where I'll be the last person on someone's mind because I'm not a genious, or completely delved into politics and I'm not prolific in writing or speaking because I don't read books like everyone else. The only reason I started to try to read again was so that a) my vocabulary would improve and b) so I could understand whatever it is that gets people to read in their free time and truly love it. It's more uncommon for me to never read for fun rather than others reading a lot for pleasure. nothing convinces me anymore.
seems like i need to learn so much just to be average.

there's no more beauty in me.

I don't see it. I don't know if I ever had any.
02 November 2009 @ 12:48 am
I'm just sitting here getting goosebumps. It's the things I enjoy that no one else does that keeps me hoping I'm truly an original. I can't do truly artistic things without getting completely emerged in something and then slightly mimicking that. i'm a blank slate, but i don't hold on to anything.
30 September 2009 @ 01:30 am
i'm going crazy.

i stole some girl's parking spot today. not like, stole it before she could get there; stole it as in she was waiting for this girl to back out and had her blinker on and I took it anyway. and i fail at life.
10 September 2009 @ 12:12 am
I feel like i'm in space. I always did this whole 'i dont care if i meet new people, because they will come meet me if they wanna get to know me.' but all now i want is someone to talk to that's new. but i'm too dull and solemn to make that happen.
and unfortunately all i want is one person to befriend me, but it's that i'm not talkin to them, they should talk to me.
02 September 2009 @ 12:27 am
I REFUSE to get sick. just like i REFUSED to puke this morning from not eating enough before taking my vitamin.

this life is good, not great but I don't miss people.
24 June 2009 @ 01:27 am
fuck my life fuck my life.
I need something to drastically change everything. My face, my hair, my life, my attitude. None of it will really do anything in the long run but I seem to think it will. I need my hair to be cut up and darkened so I can feel like there's some meaning to appearance. I'm learning there isn't. And it drags me away from the dream lifestyle I always wanted just in time for my opportunity to grab hold of it.
I'm just going to ignore everything. live like a bubble boy, no friends, no fun, no connections.. It's all I can pray for right now. why did i just say pray?
Kevin was supposed to come wake me up yesterday morning, I was so pleased with it.

Most people have fantasies of their boyfriends fucking them on a washing machine or in the kitchen or something.
I just want to be woken up in the morning by the boy I love.
23 June 2009 @ 01:01 pm
why do I feel like today would be a good day to cry